Steadfast Love

The King is Enthralled by Your Beauty

… Honor Him, for He is Your Lord

This is a painful, scary post.  I do not want to write it.  But I want Jesus to win more than I want to protect myself, and I am convicted that, while many things He’s doing in me are best to remain private, this should not.

I recently realized that I am afraid of being beautiful.

That may sound vain, but it’s not from a heart of vanity.  It’s from a dark, dark corner of my heart that I have refused to give to God.

Recently, something was shared with me regarding a friend- who is, by any standard, incredibly beautiful- and the inappropriate actions toward her by a man, actions which caused her to feel unsafe with him in the room when her husband is not around.  When I heard this, I immediately thought, “Thank God I am not pretty.  I will never have to deal with anything like that.”

Then, suddenly, this thought was followed with, “But what if all this weight comes off and, even by worldly standards, men see me as beautiful?”  Terror- terror - gripped my heart and I couldn’t dwell on this.  I had to counter it.

My immediate reaction was to think, “I have really ugly teeth.  I won’t be beautiful, no matter what.”

See, I had to find something I hate about my appearance, something that losing weight won’t affect, in order to feel safe. I proceeded to go from here refusing to deal with this revelation of the darkness, the sin of hiding from God, refusing to trust Him.

The plans Jesus has for me, to woo me to Himself, are bigger than my sin.  He keeps pursuing me.  Last night, as a godly pastor whom I implicitly trust (or think I do), was teaching in front of a crowd, he happened to make eye contact with me.  I was in the front, and he was making eye contact with many people.

Still, I felt that terror.  Terror of being seen by a man, even in the least possibly sexual way.  God allowed me a moment of realizing how uncomfortable I am when men, in general, make eye contact with me, from my Community Group leaders (past and present), to any man who might be looking at me at all at any time.  If I am truly honest, Jason (my husband) is the only man I feel completely safe with.

I’ve felt protected by having 225 pounds of excess fat and ugly teeth to hide behind.  I pick apart my appearance on any day when I feel a little prettier than normal- “Well, I still have a big, fat, ugly quadruple chin, even if my hair and eyes are striking today,”- so that I can feel safe.

This is rebellion against God.  The Bible says He made me beautiful, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I know He is calling me deeper, to trust in Him, not to find my comfort in failing to meet the world’s definition of beauty.

Understand me- I am not saying that I will be gorgeous when I reach a goal weight.  That said, God has put something before me and He won’t allow me to escape it.  I have been told numerous times of a similar vision shared by multiple people, from multiple spans and phases of life, none of whom are connected.  Three in particular jump to mind:

- In high school a good friend of mine told me that she was praying for me, and that suddenly a vision of me, older and thin and healthy, came to her and that I was very, very beautiful and very free and happy.

- A godly sister whom I adore shared with me a few months ago that God had put me deeply on her heart, that she had been praying for me, and that she had a dream about me, and felt like it was a vision of what is to come- she knows intimately of my battle with obesity- and I was thin, thriving with Jesus, and very beautiful.

- Just this week, another dear friend said she was thinking about me, praying for me, and that God gave her a vision of me, thin and vibrant, and incredibly beautiful.  She actually thought, “Who is that amazingly beautiful woman?” and then realized it was me.

Many Christian and non-Christian friends alike have repeated the same sentiment to me, again from various times in life- they believe that I will have the body God intends for me to have, and that my physical appearance will reflect to the world the way they already see me- beautiful, because they see my internal beauty, my spirit.

I struggle to even type that.  Sin in me wants to tell you how ugly I am, inside and out.  To be sure, I am a sinner.  Just yesterday morning, deep in conviction, I cried out to God, “I am the chief of all sinners!  I desperately, desperately need Your grace!”  However, the Holy Spirit will not allow me to escape this conviction that His grace to me is, at this point, when I am resisting Him, more than I can bear.  I deeply, deeply fear trusting Him enough to feel safe even if I can’t rely on feeling fat and ugly.

I share this with you because I recognize my propensity to share only when I think I have things figured out.  I do not have this figured out.  This is a daily struggle, an all out war to trust Jesus.  Many weight loss surgery patients report needing up to five years for their heads to catch up with their body, to see the changes when they look in the mirror.  For me, I feel like almost every day I see the little changes in my body, see more of a waist, bulges and rolls less predominant.  I know this is from God- He is chasing down, walling me in, by His grace refusing to let me hide from Him and plead ignorance to the physical, spiritual, emotional and mental work He is doing in me.

By Jesus’ grace I am slowly, slowly, slowly trusting Him.  Every single day is another battle in the war.  Every time my quadruple chin becomes more of a triple and then double and then single chin I have to fight to trust God, to believe His Word that He is my strong tower, that I can run to Him and be safe.  But every day I fight to believe Him, Jesus cultivates my new heart, increases my desire for Him, and I know more and more that I can trust Him.  He is teaching me to cry out to Him, “Lord, I believe!  Help my unbelief!”.

If you are in this with me, sister, I pray that we can sharpen one another as iron, to stop resisting and to surrender to the Jesus who loves us.

Praise Jesus

I am becoming more and more passionate about the issue of abortion.  I do not support it in any way, shape, or form under any circumstances.  At all.  I know this is not a popular opinion, and some will read that I believe these things and make assumptions about me, some not so nice, but this doesn’t matter to me.

God creates all human life.  All of it.  I don’t believe any human should have the right to decide whether the baby God has created deserves the right to live.

Understand- I pray for the woman who has had an abortion, who is under the weight of guilt and shame as a result of that decision.  I want her to know the love and grace that is hers to know in Jesus Christ, that she might know the freedom from being forgiven of sin.  I do not think that the decision to have an abortion affords anyone the right to show vitriol and hatred toward a woman- or anyone else who encouraged her- no matter why she had her baby murdered.  Murder is an ugly word, abortion is an ugly act, and women who have had abortions need grace and support without anyone saying that what she did was ok.

I won’t say a whole lot more on this subject, but I do want to post this- it made me cry.  Praise Jesus!

http://www.kbtx.com/home/headlines/68441827.html

Here’s the basic premise: this woman was the director of a Planned Parenthood clinic, saw an ultrasound of an abortion, and said, “I can’t do this anymore.”  She says that she saw, in the down economy, the focus of PP turn from pregnancy prevention to termination, since abortions make way more money for the organization than does prevention efforts.

I pray for the day when abortion is gone, done- that may not be until heaven, but in the meantime I pray, pray, pray.  Please join me.

A Little More

At the Outer Banks in North Carolina, April 2007, just days after becoming engaged.  I DO NOT miss that facial hair!

Today I am thinking about how grateful I am for my amazing husband.

Jason isn’t perfect, and he’d be the first to admit that.  He’s a sinner and he has made me cry, ticked off our friends (some of whom are no longer friends, tragically), embarrassed me, and caused me pain I could never have imagined another human could cause me to feel- and if you know of the various abuses in my past you know that’s really saying something.

Things have happened in our marriage that, were it not for my covenant with Jesus to stay married to Jason until death do us part, I should have filed for divorce.

Before you go thinking I married a jerk, know that I have had some pretty awful moments and sinned majorly against Jason.  I’ve screamed at him with a knife in my hand (I was making dinner, but still), shut down emotionally for days and refused to receive his love and tenderness, thrown things at him in an outburst of anger, and, the sin that has damaged our marriage the most, I was all but dead spiritually for the better part of our first year of marriage, refusing to pray with him, refusing to read scripture with him, and often looking for excuses to avoid church and community with other believers (community = challenging, by the way- I was all for surface level hanging out with other people, which is what much of the activities related to our first church as a married couple was).  He’s had plenty of reasons to give up on me and walk out, were he relying on himself and not Jesus for the patience and grace to work things out.

The point is, we both suck.  We’ve both done very foolish things, sinned in ways that should have destroyed our marriage.  Jesus has been incredibly faithful to us, to convict us each of sin, to allow us to see our idols.  Praise God for that.  We’ve always maintained that “divorce” is not a word in our vocabulary, but a dead marriage is hardly better, and we were definitely on that path early on.

To be more in love with my husband every day is a precious gift.  Recently, I’ve seen the Lord reveal huge sin patterns to Jason, revelation that would paralyze and harden the hearts of so many, yet Jason’s heart has been soft and tender.  He longs to be a man in love with Jesus, fully and completely.  He’s honest when he sins.  He repents, and he is far more humble than most who have written him off as a jerk but not taken the time to actually know and pursue him.  Jason is complicated and doesn’t view the world the way most people do, and his incredibly black and white worldview has caused many conflicts in our marriage, but I have been blessed to watch him respond to Jesus and accept that maybe the way he sees situations isn’t the only possible scenario.  I’ve seen him slowly learn to walk in grace.

I am also blessed to be so well taken care of emotionally.  Jason loves me, and he loves me very well.  I never feel the need to question whether or not I am loved and appreciated, because Jason is intentional to tell me, heartfelt and often, exactly how much he loves me and how much I mean to him.  Jason doesn’t feel the need to make a big public show of his feelings, as if he has something to prove, and yet never once in our marriage have I had to question whether or not I am his number one priority and the only woman in the entire world that he has eyes for.  Praise God for that!

All of that said, the reason it was on my heart to write this post is that I am so incredibly blessed by Jason’s work ethic.  He is either working or commuting to / between his jobs (yes, he has two, and that’s a praise because he used to have three!  Two is a relief!) literally 95+ hours every week.  He leaves our home at 3:15 each morning and often doesn’t get home until between 7 & 8 PM most nights, sometimes much later.  To top it all off, he is enrolled in school full time and is scheduled to spend almost 20 hours doing schoolwork on the weekends, still fitting in date nights, church, and he does the laundry (because of my back problems he refuses to allow me to do it.  I do not complain about this.)!!  He has a bachelor’s degree but, in order to better support our family and obey Jesus’ call on our lives to raise a family in the [very expensive] city of Seattle, Jas decided to get a second degree in IT in hopes of becoming a software engineer.

Jason rarely sleeps but complains even less, despite one of his jobs being often annoying and filled with strenuous physical labor (he loads delivery trucks for UPS).  He is committed to taking care of me, and is adamant about my staying home to focus on working here (taking care of most household stuffs, though he still helps with some chores), and, most importantly, freeing me up to focus on my health.  God very clearly told us to have me stay home, and Jason did not hesitate for a second.  I sure did!  I walked away from a job that could pay off the majority of our debt (massive student loans) in less than half the time it will take with him solely bringing in the cash.  But Jason never put pressure on me to work- the second it was clear that this was God’s will, he never looked back.  I know so many women who are not well suited to be working full time, myself being one, and it is a blessing to have a husband who doesn’t put the burden of providing financially on me, because it is not my burden to bear.  It is his burden and he takes that very seriously.

To be honest, it’s hard for me to put it out there that I am a stay at home wife.  In my closest circle of friends that isn’t weird- it’s normal, actually.  They see that it’s clearly God’s will for us and they support us.  They know my heart is to serve my husband, to be busy at home like the Titus 2 woman, and they believe that is a good thing.  I know many people, though, who have very different opinions.  Some just assume I’ll be lazy and watch Ellen everyday (one person actually told us that we were in sin if I stayed home, though Jesus very clearly told us this was His will, and it was backed up by godly people we respect and admire), others think I must be brainwashed by my church and my husband, and, my personal favorite, that I must not be very bright.

Sometimes things are so ridiculous that they aren’t even offensive- they’re just funny.  I’ve known many people smarter than I, but I’m no dummy.  Jesus has gifted me with intelligence and just because I’m not earning a paycheck doesn’t mean that my mind is going to waste.  And, for the record, I actually watch far less TV now that I stay home.  When I worked, I would come home, exhausted, and sit and watch TV for hours every night, and then spend all weekend in front of the TV because it was my time to recuperate, or so I thought, in preparation for going back to work.  It was gross, actually.  I’m more active- physically, socially, spiritually- now that I’m home full time, and our home is WAY cleaner and better organized and run more efficiently.  I’ve been able to relieve burdens from Jas, such as finances, and we eat WAY healthier and still save more money because going out is never a temptation.  Ok, I still barely eat anything, but Jason eats very well :)  Needless to say, this has been a good transition for us to make and I’m so thankful for Jason’s support.

In fact, I’ve been trying to figure out ways to bring in some income, because I want to help out where I can, and I do have time to do things.  I’ve considered making cards for Etsy, trying to write a novel, that sort of thing.  Jason has been amazing- he supports my desires to both have creative outlets and try to do that in such a way that it helps us get out of debt more quickly.  He’s only firm on one thing- that I do something that I can enjoy, that won’t take away from God’s call to focus on home & health first, and that if I do get involved in something that I walk away if I don’t like it or it’s causing stress.  Again, he emphasizes that making money is not my “job” and that he won’t let me hurt myself- physically, emotionally, or otherwise- trying to bear a burden that’s his alone.  Just writing that out is so amazing, that he is so supportive and amazing that way.  What a wonderful man God has blessed me with!

I am a bit rambling now; thanks for tracking this far if you have.  Suffice it to say that I am very thankful for my marriage.  I am blessed by my husband, I am growing closer to Jesus in large part because my husband is learning to lead well, and, while it does nothing for my pride, I actually love my “job”.  The only missing element is a baby, but being home is actually helping me prepare for that, and until that sweet time in our lives I’m soaking up every moment that Jason and I get to have one another to ourselves!

I recently posted regarding some solid sermons about marriage, which are part of what inspired this post, and I highly recommend you check them out.  I appreciate any prayers for my marriage, my husband, and myself.  It’s not this easy, happy deal all of the time, but God has been so good to us and I rejoice that I have the privilege and honor of walking through this life with my sweet, manly, stubborn, and soft hearted husband.

I love you, Jason.

Lose Yourself

[Prepare yourself for some passion.  Were I speaking this to an audience I’d be shouting in parts, ala my two favorite living preachers- Pastors Mark Driscoll and Matt Chandler.  I go a bit long, but go with me.  My heart is fully out there on this one.

Passion, I tell you.]

I love The Biggest Loser.  I really do.

It’s a heartbreaking thing to see people’s idolatry manifest on their bodies.  The transformation from sick, obese, and dying, to healthy and strong is powerful stuff.  I am so inspired when I see people go home and get healthy. There’s nothing quite like seeing a no-longer-obese parent go home and initiate changes that result in a totally new life trajectory for their obese children.  Each week I get so excited when people have huge victories- [spoiler alert!] I literally clapped and cheered when Rudy broke the record of fastest to lose 100 pounds tonight! I was on the edge of my seat- literally- gripping the arms and asking Jesus to have given him that sweet moment.  Overall, the transformation of seeing a person go home and lose dozens more pounds, glowing as a result of their new lifestyle… it gets me every time.  I just can’t help but rejoice for them, for their getting to know God’s grace in that way.  It’s awesome. AWESOME.

However, every time I watch I feel a sadness in my heart.  The thrust of the show isn’t just about physical health- it’s about the contestants facing their issues of why they became morbidly obese, which seems like a really good idea.  I want to celebrate when people choose to be different, but I just can’t.  Not fully.

The contestants are being taught a lie.  The lie is that they are fat because they didn’t love themselves enough to make good, healthy choices.  The truth (small “t” intentional), then, is that now they have to face those stumbling blocks, recognize them, and now choose to overcome them. To further the lie, contestants are taught to put themselves first, everyone else second, to choose to make the right choices regarding diet and exercise.  They are told more lies, that this self-first focus is the only way to truly be a healthy person toward everyone else around them.

The heart of the lie is that the contestants can become strong enough to save themselves.  In tonight’s episode, in fact, a woman whose mother was a heroin addict (she eventually died as a result of her addiction) was forced to face her guilt that she couldn’t save her mother, and finally accept the fact that she could never make her mother love her and that chance died with her mother.  The crux was that this guilt led her to 476 pounds and she was killing herself, so now she had to choose to be different, to choose to finally love herself and get healthy.  The woman’s trainer, Jillian, literally said, “You can’t save her, but you can save yourself.”

LIE! It sounds all nice and pretty, but it is a LIE straight from the PIT OF HELL, from Satan himself, whose desire is for every human’s complete and utter destruction! Don’t believe me?  Proverbs repeats this verse, to make it clear:

There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.

What is death?  Eternal separation from God.  Hell.  Who wants people to go to hell and inspires and encourages man to trust his own instincts, to rely on himself as God?  Satan, seeking to devour, rightfully called the enemy.

This is what kills me about the show- these people CAN NOT SAVE THEMSELVES.  I see this same lie in blog after blog, weight loss book after weight loss book- that being healthy saves you.  Choosing to healthy habits over a life of obesity is not salvation.  Unless the catalyst is Jesus and a person is eating well and exercising as an act of obedience to God the Father in worship of Jesus, empowered by the Holy Spirit, then they are no better off.  Will they live longer?  Likely, yes.  Will they feel more fulfilled?  There’s a chance that all of the attention for their weight loss, and/or their pride in their feelings of accomplishment, will seem to them to be a better life.  But will that ache in their heart to know what it is to be really and truly loved, to pour themselves out in worship of a big-G God who loved them first and doesn’t just take from them ever be filled?  No.

They- and all people who lose weight for any reason other than worshiping Jesus- will spend their whole lives always yearning for something more.

Jesus alone satisfies.

Jesus alone heals the broken girl who hid in a hotel closet while her mom whored her body to a slimeball man for drug money.

Jesus alone tells the “fat girl” that He loves her so much that He died for her, and that she is beautifully and wonderfully made and that He doesn’t require a supermodel physique and “augmentation” in order to consider her worthy of His time, attention, loving words, and affection.

Jesus alone tells the workaholic man who gained hundreds of pounds eating crap food because he was never home for real meals that he is forgiven, and that God can restore the years with his wife and children that the locusts have eaten.

Jesus alone makes it clear that the goal is not a dress size or number of pounds lost, but a heart living out an active faith in worship of a Holy and generous God.  Not only that, but self-first focus is full on sin; Jesus-first focus can include not only physical health but the only authentic way to love others- with the love that Jesus Himself has for them.  This far exceeds any “love” we can try to find in ourselves to give others; in fact, our attempts to love others apart from Jesus is as loving and generous as continually gifting them with used tampons, because that’s what our attempts toward any sort of good thing apart from Christ are to God.  The answer isn’t getting physically healthy in order to be emotionally healthy.

The answer is Jesus. Jesus then deals with everything unhealthy- all of the sin and ugliness, not just what people can see, but all of it.  He creates a new heart, one that is no longer ruled by the darkness of the old heart. The person doesn’t choose to be different- Jesus, through the Holy Spirit and by the will of the Father, completely changes them.

For me, I love the way weight is dropping off my body- I really do. What a tangible expression of God’s grace toward me, manifest in physical change.  However rapid as my weight loss has been, though, it cannot keep up with the internal change.  I want Jesus more than I want food.  I want Jesus more than I want comfort, escape, control, all of it.  I still sin, but I’m not the same person I was when I weighed 376 pounds and yet it has nothing to do with my current physical appearance.

I continue to maintain that if I reach a point where obesity is no longer a part of my life, and even if God miraculously heals me and I no longer struggle with the idols of comfort, control, pleasure and escape with regards to my health, but my worship is based on anything other than Jesus Christ then I would have been better off had God allowed me to reap the consequences of my sin and die a painful and early death.  Real life, the kind that oozes out of me and overflows into everyone around me, is a life lived in worship of Jesus.

I pray that all involved with The Biggest Loser, the weight loss bloggers and authors, and everyone else believing lies about their identity being in their health, realizes this before it’s too late and their eternity has already come upon them.  A biggest loser doesn’t save her own life, and the real biggest losers aren’t quantified by pounds lost. Jesus said that whoever seeks to save herself will lose her life, meaning instead of eternal life with God in Heaven she’ll suffer the eternal torment of painful death in the fiery lake of Hell; whoever loses her life, the biggest thing any of us can lose, for Jesus and lives for Him and not herself (Jesus-first focus instead of self-first focus) will find Life, and life more abundantly.

Amen and amen.

I’m sure I can clarify things after this passion fest, so feel free to ask questions, comment, whatever!

Women, Men, & A Sanctification Via Marriage

Go to this link.

Listen to the sermon entitled “Sanctification in Marriage” from 10.25.2009- it’s amazing (you can download it in MP3 format, or you can go find “The Village Church - Sermon Audio” podcast in iTunes).

Pastor Mark (Driscoll, from Mars Hill Church, where I am an active member) preached two sermons on the same passage, and I’m pasting links to those two sermons as well.  Those were two life changing sermons for Jason and I.

I want to note that even if you are single, these are all three incredibly convicting and useful sermons for God the Holy Spirit to work in your heart.

Marriage and Women

Marriage and Men

Enjoy!

Conviction

One of the great uses of Twitter and Facebook will be to prove at the Last Day that prayerlessness was not from lack of time.

- John Piper, via Twitter