Steadfast Love

The Strength In My Weakness

My heart is heavy. It’s not right to speak to the situation publicly, but there is a complex relationship between suffering due to the sins committed against me and my own sins both in response and that possibly caused the situation. Needless to say, many tears have been shed today and it feels cloudy in my heart.

However, I’m slowly learning a sweet and valuable lesson through this— it’s ok to be sad.  The Christian life isn’t about being happy all of the time.  Jesus Himself frequently withdrew away from people to pray and be alone with His Father, and in the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus was in utter agony.  He wasn’t clapping and slapping a smile on to say everything was just fine… He was facing the cross, complete betrayal by His closest friends, excruciating pain in death, and the full, brutal force of the pain of separation from God the Father as He took on God’s wrath and punishment for sin.  Needless to say, Jesus wasn’t mentally repeating the mantra, “Just stay positive.”

I’m not going through anything even remotely as painful as the cross; I am suffering, though, and I am simply sad about it.  By God’s grace I am learning that, as I am sad, I have the precious opportunity to turn to Jesus and cry out to Him to be my joy, my comfort, and my refuge.

This Psalm was shared with me earlier this week, so I am sharing it with you.  Particularly precious to me are verses 2-5, 10, and every mention of steadfast love… you might be able to guess that this is a meaningful theme of God’s word to me.

Enjoy, and I pray it speaks to your heart as it has to mine.

1 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
2 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
3 who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
5 who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

6 The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
8 The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
9 He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
10 He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
13 As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
14 For he knows our frame; [1]
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
17 But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children’s children,
18 to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
19 The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Bless the Lord, O you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his word,
obeying the voice of his word!
21 Bless the Lord, all his hosts,
his ministers, who do his will!
22 Bless the Lord, all his works,
in all places of his dominion.
Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Tomorrow...

October is my absolute FAVORITE month of all time.

I love EVERYthing about October.  I can even stomach Halloween.  Here are some of the reasons why:

…  the weather.  Crisp, cool, WONDERFUL.

… the rain.  Gets to stand on it’s own because I love it so much.

… the changing colors in the vast number of trees in my gorgeous city.

… the way it encourages me to start to reflect on the last year and celebrate another year lived, hopefully another year more in love with Jesus than the last.

… the sense of new & fresh.  The school year is young, we are (typically) just diving into a new sermon series at church, my fave TV shows are almost entirely new episodes (hello, Jim & Pam wedding on October 8th!), and did I mention the crispness in the weather?  Not new or fresh but super refreshing!

… one word: Football

… it’s early enough in the season that I can still hope the Seahawks will have an epic season.

… Mars Hill’s birthday!

… Pastor Mark’s birthday!

… my birthday! (the 16th, two weeks from Friday!)

… TONS of people’s birthdays!

… the World Series.  It would be even better if the Mariners could ever be in it.

… enjoying warm drinks, like a pipin’ hot mocha (well, before surgery).

… cozy warm foods, like soups.

… too many things to list in one place!

I LOVE October!  So, being that in four minutes it will be October, happy October to you!!

Lord, I'm A Hot Mess.

I met Jason in July of 2006, online, via mutual love of sports (Gonzaga basketball and the Seattle Seahawks, to be exact).  We met in person, over a period of about 36 hours, in July of 2007.  He flew out to see me for my spring break (I was a high school teacher) in April of 2007.  He proposed to me literally the moment we saw one another face to face during that April trip, only the second time we’d seen one another face to face.  As I was finishing up the school year and planning the September 2007 wedding, I asked one of my roommates if she thought I was crazy.  Her reply was that, with me, I’m always so sure of myself, certain about my decisions, confident in their outcome, that though it seemed weird to her- certainly not something she’d ever do!- she didn’t really see room to question the decision.

Her insightful reply speaks volumes about an aspect of my character, one which at times can be quite a character flaw.  I do tend to be very confident in my decisions but part of what drives this confidence is actually a deep fear of being wrong.  I move ahead when I am certain of something and at times I avoid being honest about life’s difficulties because I don’t want anyone to think I made the wrong choice, because I don’t want to think I made the wrong choice.

I did this with Teach For America- I didn’t tell friends back home how much I was struggling spiritually, because I figured they’d assume that me struggling with sin and what it looked like to follow Jesus would mean that TFA was the wrong choice and I shouldn’t have gone.  Same with marriage- I often share the shiny parts of my marriage, but not the rough patches that need more  refining, because I don’t want anyone to think I married the wrong person or that our quick courtship was actually very wrong.  I don’t want that to be true so I certainly don’t want others to think so.

This is very relevant at the moment because of my RNY surgery.  I know some people felt it was the wrong decision, so I want to only share the highs so they’ll not think I was wrong.  With this surgery I don’t want to admit the struggles, lest people think I made the wrong decision.  I don’t want to share the lows, because then they will think they were right, and if the lows are persistent enough I don’t want to struggle with second guessing this decision, especially since it’s irreversible.

I’ve been very convicted by the Holy Spirit that this is sin.  It’s my pride.  I want to think of myself a certain way and I want others to see that.  The problem is that it leaves Jesus and His transformational power of redemption out of the picture.  He gets no glory, and my deepest desire is for Jesus to be glorified in all I do.  Relying on Jesus through the struggle is what gives others hope that they, too, can turn to Jesus in their struggles, particularly with sin.  That is what I believe Paul was referring to when he penned these words:

7b …a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

[II Corinthians 12:7b-10]

So, my weakness… yesterday I woke up feeling great, excited to meet with Jesus.  Wednesday I had a rough day, just one of those days where everything feels like a burden, so it was so great to wake up filled with joy.  I was actually formulating a blog post in my mind regarding such things when I went to set down my protein shake after taking a sip.  I set it down wrong, on the edge of the coaster, and it spilled all over the floor.  I, of course, had just decided to give peanut butter another try (long story, but made me feel sick when I tried it before), so a nasty yellow-ish stain splattered all over the carpet.  My incisions are almost completely healed, but the one tough position is being on my hands and knees- still causes quite a bit of discomfort in my abdominal muscles.  Scrubbing the carpet required said position, however, and I couldn’t just leave it there.

At some point I just lost it.  I was so frustrated, so completely over it.  I’m SICK of drinking protein shakes.  I’m SICK of not being able to eat anything normal.  I’m SICK of eating, period, because I have to give so much attention to detail and count every ounce and every gram of protein and I’m SO OVER IT.  I told God that I didn’t want to obey, I didn’t want to submit, and that I hate this.  I felt rage inside of me, because I’m completely unable to be in control of this situation.  I can’t just go eat a Subway sandwich, or a pancake, or a bowl of cereal.  It’s totally beyond my control and there’s nothing I do about it.

In a fit of sobbing tears, a mingling of rage and self-pity, I cried out to God.  I literally said this:

God, I hate this and I need You.  I’m a hot mess.

He helped me.  I’m not fixed, and I’m still dealing with these emotions.  Sure, rapid weight loss sends surges of estrogen (aka the PMS crazy lady hormone) through my system, but my problems go far deeper than hormones.  I want control.  I want food back, to find comfort in, to escape into.  I’m completely mad that I let myself get this fat, that I needed this surgery at all, and also angry with God for allowing the metabolism and the environmental circumstances that even made it a possibility.

But… God helped me.  Jesus reminded me of His love, that His power is made perfect in my weakness, and that I didn’t have this surgery to get thin or even to get fixed.  I had this surgery because it’s by His grace and for His glory.

I hope that you are encouraged to turn to Jesus with your struggle, because He’s big enough.  He can take it.  And He will help you, even if it’s not in the way you might have expected, and it’s beautiful.

For Tomorrow We Die

I thought a LOT yesterday about the passage I posted in the evening.  Our church is starting to study the Gospel of Luke, and I felt led by the Holy Spirit to take up Pastor Mark’s suggestion of reading Luke over and over again.  I’ve been reading four chapters a day, praying that the Holy Spirit would illuminate the scriptures for me, that He’d give me understanding in such a way that it changes my heart.  This morning I prayed that I would not have knowledge that leads to haughtiness, but that the scriptures would convict me and that I would be taught humility that leads to holiness.

I recognize that yesterday’s headline might sound offensive, so in a spirit of conviction, I’d like to clarify.  I struggle a lot with slaving away at the altar dedicated to the idol of comfort.  One big area that Jesus has been stripping down is financial security.  I long to own a nice (not ridiculous, but nice) house that I can afford to decorate modestly but in my personal design style preference (the clean lines of contemporary with the dark earthy tones and feel of traditional, if you must know), drive a new-ish car that doesn’t need $1,500 in repairs every six months, and, most of all, to have between $50k and $100k in savings so I can feel financially secure.

None of those are bad things, but for me, they are an idol.  It’s not to say that Jason and I can never have those things, but right now, they are an idol.  I want to put my trust in having those things, to have a bank account make me feel secure.  I’ve thought a lot recently about how quickly those things can be stripped away- I’m sure many people had that kind of “security” and then the economy tanked and they lost it all- and how quickly they can be lost.  What God showed me yesterday is that it goes far deeper than losing temporal things, though- look at the man in the passage; he worked until he felt secure, relaxed and embraced a life of comfort, and God didn’t take the stuff away.  He took the man’s life away, and that man had to stand before Jesus and give an account for His life.  Heavy stuff.

Regarding this idea of eating, drinking, and merriment, God has shown me some things so I’d like to share them.

Ecclesiastes 8:15 says, “And I commend joy, for man has no good thing under the sun but to eat and drink and be joyful, for this will go with him in his toil through the days of his life that God has given him under the sun.”  In other words, life is very difficult and we should enjoy the blessings that God gives us.  Jesus Himself scorned the religious folk, because they accused John the Baptizer’s asceticism on a demon but then accused Jesus of being a drunkard and a glutton because He chose to eat and drink with sinners (Luke 7:33-34).  If we are to learn from Jesus’ example, it’s a good thing to enjoy food and drink not as an end in and of themselves, but in moderation as a blessing from God.  Since we worship in all things, we are to worship the Creator and Provider of food, drink, even joy, but not to worship said created things, for that is idolatry.

However, it is hard for me when I see Christians living by the motto, “Eat, drink, and be merry.”  Now, to be fair, if they are worshiping Jesus, awesome.  However, it is just one of those things that eats at me because it’s a gross misunderstanding, or, in most cases, not knowing what the scripture says.  It comes from Isaiah 22, which says:

12 In that day the Lord God of hosts
called for weeping and mourning,
for baldness and wearing sackcloth;
13 and behold, joy and gladness,
killing oxen and slaughtering sheep,
eating flesh and drinking wine.
“Let us eat and drink,
for tomorrow we die.”
14 The Lord of hosts has revealed himself in my ears:
“Surely this iniquity will not be atoned for you until you die,”
says the Lord God of hosts.

Basically, God is calling for repentance, for a somber recognition of our sinfulness in contrast to His holiness.  Instead of repenting of sin, the people are filled with false joy and gladness, wringing every little good thing out of life, eating and drinking and abusing the gifts God has given without regard for the consequences awaiting them when they face judgment.

Paul quotes this scripture in I Corinthians:

32b If the dead are not raised, “Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die.” … 34 Wake up from your drunken stupor, as is right, and do not go on sinning. For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame.

His argument comes in the context against those who said that Jesus didn’t raise from the dead.  Paul’s point is similar to Isaiah’s, which is why he quotes said prophet— if Jesus didn’t raise from the dead, He didn’t conquer sin, and if sin isn’t conquered then we can’t repent and we might as well eat and drink and squeeze all we can out of life because this is as good as it gets.  But that’s not truth!  The truth is that Jesus DID rise from the dead, He did conquer sin, and we can repent.

This is the heart of why Christians loving and living by the “Eat, drink, and be merry” motto, simply because it’s a Bible verse, gets me.  It’s just totally the wrong context.  It’s aimed at non-Christians, those who are unable to receive food, drink, and joy as blessings from God because they do not know Him.  Christians, however, are to wake up from their drunken stupor and to worship God as creator and enjoy His gifts as gifts and not objects of worship.  It’s to the shame of a Christian who doesn’t know God’s word and lives it out of context.

So, in sum, I am a sinner.  I need to repent of thinking I can ever be secure in any amount of financial success because only Jesus makes me secure, both in this life and the next.  We all need to know God’s word, love it, and pray the Holy Spirit hides it in our hearts so that we can know Him in truth.  Finally, it’s a beautiful thing to worship God by enjoying gifts He has given, such as a delicious meal and fabulous drink, but those things are empty if taken as something to live our lives unto as an end.

Questions and clarifications are, as always, welcome :)

Love the eat, drink, & be merry stuff? You're a fool.

The Parable of the Rich Fool

13 Someone in the crowd said to [Jesus], “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.” 14 But he said to him, “Man, who made me a judge or arbitrator over you?” 15 And he said to them, “Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.” 16 And he told them a parable, saying, “The land of a rich man produced plentifully, 17 and he thought to himself, ‘What shall I do, for I have nowhere to store my crops?’ 18 And he said, ‘I will do this: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. 19 And I will say to my soul, Soul, you have ample goods laid up for many years; relax, eat, drink, be merry.’ 20 But God said to him, ‘Fool! This night your soul is required of you, and the things you have prepared, whose will they be?’ 21 So is the one who lays up treasure for himself and is not rich toward God.”

Luke 12:13-21

Intentionally Conspicuous

Ok, patient readers, I am back.  Ready to start writing regularly.  And, as so many of you must know, Wednesday (the day after tomorrow) marks two weeks since, Lord willing, life-changing gastric bypass surgery.  I fully intend to write about so much more than just this, but I have so many of you who follow faithfully so I need to share with you a beautiful testimony of the beauty of community in Jesus.

First, it’s a huge blessing to report that my surgery went incredibly well.  My doctor said I was one of the fastest/best recoveries he has seen.  I’ll say it again- HUGE blessing!  Jesus didn’t have to, but He allowed me to have a deep desire to get up and get walking around 8pm, only 5 hours post-op, despite the pain.  Less than twelve hours post-op I walked 5 laps around the hospital floor.  I walked about 25 laps within the first 36 hours post-op, doing ten laps the morning after surgery.  This played a huge rule in helping me recover quickly, and once I got home I kept walking, going on 45 minute walks most days last week, only 4-8 days out from major abdominal surgery- something I couldn’t do before surgery due to back pain!

I feel a lot like Jacob, after he wrestled with God.  I went through so much with God, questioning Him, praying, relying on myself, conventional (read: worldly, ergo worthless) wisdom, vacillating between godly reasons for surgery (His will, for His glory, etc) and selfish reasons for surgery (to just not have to be obese anymore, to be able to have babies), and at times moving ahead without regard for God’s will, and at other times sinfully asking Him to prove Himself before I’d even think about my next step.  When I finally arrived at a place of peace, that this surgery is indeed God’s will for my life and an act of worship toward Him, it really loosened my tongue to give Him glory and not hold back.

In the hospital the drugs seemed to assist my loosened tongue in giving praise and glory to Jesus.  One person I spoke with frequently was my nurse’s aide, Jennifer.  She was the biggest eyewitness to the love in the room when my “family”, people from my Mars Hill Community Group, came to visit me.  She saw how tenderly my husband loves me, and, I say this honored to have had it said to me, I was her absolute favorite patient because she loved my positive attitude and my joy.  She helps people at their weakest- in intense pain- and sadly, many people use that as an excuse to let the sin their heart have free reign, which means very little kindness for the person there to give them a sponge bath and help them relieve themselves in a bed pan.

The biggest testimony to Jesus, though, is that when Jennifer found out I was being released on Friday, she was sad.  As she helped me from the wheelchair into our car, she said, with sincerity I can’t explain to you, that she wished she could go home with us.  It was a sentiment she had shared throughout the day, and as Jason oh-so-carefully drove home, it broke my heart.  She’s a year older than I am (which makes her 28), and a grown woman wishes she could come home with my husband and I, and be a part of the life we live.

Later, though, I realized something- what a powerful, POWERFUL testimony to the grace and love of Jesus in changing hearts and lives.  Jennifer saw a joy and love that she yearns to have in her own life.  How beautiful!  I spoke to her many times about the fact that this is because of Jesus- He has allowed me to be this person that I am, to have the attitude that I do, and He is the one that has allowed such genuine love and affection to grow and flow with the people that she saw in my hospital room surrounding me.  I pray this sticks with her, and that she might be led by the Holy Spirit to seek Him, and that she will become a Christian and know the love, joy, and peace that ONLY comes from knowing Jesus.

So much in my mind, but I’ll save it for another day- perhaps tomorrow, even!  I’ll end with this, as it has been growing in my heart for nearly two weeks now:

Jesus said, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” [John 13:34-35]