A Little More
At the Outer Banks in North Carolina, April 2007, just days after becoming engaged. I DO NOT miss that facial hair!
Today I am thinking about how grateful I am for my amazing husband.
Jason isn’t perfect, and he’d be the first to admit that. He’s a sinner and he has made me cry, ticked off our friends (some of whom are no longer friends, tragically), embarrassed me, and caused me pain I could never have imagined another human could cause me to feel- and if you know of the various abuses in my past you know that’s really saying something.
Things have happened in our marriage that, were it not for my covenant with Jesus to stay married to Jason until death do us part, I should have filed for divorce.
Before you go thinking I married a jerk, know that I have had some pretty awful moments and sinned majorly against Jason. I’ve screamed at him with a knife in my hand (I was making dinner, but still), shut down emotionally for days and refused to receive his love and tenderness, thrown things at him in an outburst of anger, and, the sin that has damaged our marriage the most, I was all but dead spiritually for the better part of our first year of marriage, refusing to pray with him, refusing to read scripture with him, and often looking for excuses to avoid church and community with other believers (community = challenging, by the way- I was all for surface level hanging out with other people, which is what much of the activities related to our first church as a married couple was). He’s had plenty of reasons to give up on me and walk out, were he relying on himself and not Jesus for the patience and grace to work things out.
The point is, we both suck. We’ve both done very foolish things, sinned in ways that should have destroyed our marriage. Jesus has been incredibly faithful to us, to convict us each of sin, to allow us to see our idols. Praise God for that. We’ve always maintained that “divorce” is not a word in our vocabulary, but a dead marriage is hardly better, and we were definitely on that path early on.
To be more in love with my husband every day is a precious gift. Recently, I’ve seen the Lord reveal huge sin patterns to Jason, revelation that would paralyze and harden the hearts of so many, yet Jason’s heart has been soft and tender. He longs to be a man in love with Jesus, fully and completely. He’s honest when he sins. He repents, and he is far more humble than most who have written him off as a jerk but not taken the time to actually know and pursue him. Jason is complicated and doesn’t view the world the way most people do, and his incredibly black and white worldview has caused many conflicts in our marriage, but I have been blessed to watch him respond to Jesus and accept that maybe the way he sees situations isn’t the only possible scenario. I’ve seen him slowly learn to walk in grace.
I am also blessed to be so well taken care of emotionally. Jason loves me, and he loves me very well. I never feel the need to question whether or not I am loved and appreciated, because Jason is intentional to tell me, heartfelt and often, exactly how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. Jason doesn’t feel the need to make a big public show of his feelings, as if he has something to prove, and yet never once in our marriage have I had to question whether or not I am his number one priority and the only woman in the entire world that he has eyes for. Praise God for that!
All of that said, the reason it was on my heart to write this post is that I am so incredibly blessed by Jason’s work ethic. He is either working or commuting to / between his jobs (yes, he has two, and that’s a praise because he used to have three! Two is a relief!) literally 95+ hours every week. He leaves our home at 3:15 each morning and often doesn’t get home until between 7 & 8 PM most nights, sometimes much later. To top it all off, he is enrolled in school full time and is scheduled to spend almost 20 hours doing schoolwork on the weekends, still fitting in date nights, church, and he does the laundry (because of my back problems he refuses to allow me to do it. I do not complain about this.)!! He has a bachelor’s degree but, in order to better support our family and obey Jesus’ call on our lives to raise a family in the [very expensive] city of Seattle, Jas decided to get a second degree in IT in hopes of becoming a software engineer.
Jason rarely sleeps but complains even less, despite one of his jobs being often annoying and filled with strenuous physical labor (he loads delivery trucks for UPS). He is committed to taking care of me, and is adamant about my staying home to focus on working here (taking care of most household stuffs, though he still helps with some chores), and, most importantly, freeing me up to focus on my health. God very clearly told us to have me stay home, and Jason did not hesitate for a second. I sure did! I walked away from a job that could pay off the majority of our debt (massive student loans) in less than half the time it will take with him solely bringing in the cash. But Jason never put pressure on me to work- the second it was clear that this was God’s will, he never looked back. I know so many women who are not well suited to be working full time, myself being one, and it is a blessing to have a husband who doesn’t put the burden of providing financially on me, because it is not my burden to bear. It is his burden and he takes that very seriously.
To be honest, it’s hard for me to put it out there that I am a stay at home wife. In my closest circle of friends that isn’t weird- it’s normal, actually. They see that it’s clearly God’s will for us and they support us. They know my heart is to serve my husband, to be busy at home like the Titus 2 woman, and they believe that is a good thing. I know many people, though, who have very different opinions. Some just assume I’ll be lazy and watch Ellen everyday (one person actually told us that we were in sin if I stayed home, though Jesus very clearly told us this was His will, and it was backed up by godly people we respect and admire), others think I must be brainwashed by my church and my husband, and, my personal favorite, that I must not be very bright.
Sometimes things are so ridiculous that they aren’t even offensive- they’re just funny. I’ve known many people smarter than I, but I’m no dummy. Jesus has gifted me with intelligence and just because I’m not earning a paycheck doesn’t mean that my mind is going to waste. And, for the record, I actually watch far less TV now that I stay home. When I worked, I would come home, exhausted, and sit and watch TV for hours every night, and then spend all weekend in front of the TV because it was my time to recuperate, or so I thought, in preparation for going back to work. It was gross, actually. I’m more active- physically, socially, spiritually- now that I’m home full time, and our home is WAY cleaner and better organized and run more efficiently. I’ve been able to relieve burdens from Jas, such as finances, and we eat WAY healthier and still save more money because going out is never a temptation. Ok, I still barely eat anything, but Jason eats very well :) Needless to say, this has been a good transition for us to make and I’m so thankful for Jason’s support.
In fact, I’ve been trying to figure out ways to bring in some income, because I want to help out where I can, and I do have time to do things. I’ve considered making cards for Etsy, trying to write a novel, that sort of thing. Jason has been amazing- he supports my desires to both have creative outlets and try to do that in such a way that it helps us get out of debt more quickly. He’s only firm on one thing- that I do something that I can enjoy, that won’t take away from God’s call to focus on home & health first, and that if I do get involved in something that I walk away if I don’t like it or it’s causing stress. Again, he emphasizes that making money is not my “job” and that he won’t let me hurt myself- physically, emotionally, or otherwise- trying to bear a burden that’s his alone. Just writing that out is so amazing, that he is so supportive and amazing that way. What a wonderful man God has blessed me with!
I am a bit rambling now; thanks for tracking this far if you have. Suffice it to say that I am very thankful for my marriage. I am blessed by my husband, I am growing closer to Jesus in large part because my husband is learning to lead well, and, while it does nothing for my pride, I actually love my “job”. The only missing element is a baby, but being home is actually helping me prepare for that, and until that sweet time in our lives I’m soaking up every moment that Jason and I get to have one another to ourselves!
I recently posted regarding some solid sermons about marriage, which are part of what inspired this post, and I highly recommend you check them out. I appreciate any prayers for my marriage, my husband, and myself. It’s not this easy, happy deal all of the time, but God has been so good to us and I rejoice that I have the privilege and honor of walking through this life with my sweet, manly, stubborn, and soft hearted husband.
I love you, Jason.
